Cable Guy poem

This is a poem based on one of my favourite films The Cable Guy starring Jim Carrey.

It's half past four in the afternoon.
I'm supposed to have my cable tv installed.
But where's the cable guy?
He better not be late..
There's a knocking at the door..
I think that must be him..

Finally he's arrived.
Seems like a nice guy..
Says his name is Chip..
His mannerisms are kind of strange..
And so is that lisp of his..

Sounds like he knows a lot about tv..
Says he's been raised by it.
He installs my free cable..
Says he wants me to be his friend..

But i am not to sure about this..
He does seem kind of strange..
But I guess he's nice..
He installed my free cable.

So I say why not?
So I pal around with him for a while..
Have a karoake party, take part in a joust.
My other friends think there's something spooky about him..
Is he demented or insane or is he just lonely?

Who knows...
But he sure creeps the hell out of me and my friends..
He hires some hooker to make out with me and takes a picture of it happening..
Then sends it to my girlfriend, who gets mighty pissed off..

Then he begins to take over my life..
He follows me around, stalking me in hopes that i'll be his pal.
My friend calls me in the middle of the night - they tell me the scary truth about him.
They say he got fired from the company because of his evil tendencies..
They say he's like a demon from hell..
They say I should baracade the doors and shut the windows..
So that he won't be able to get in..

I fall asleep in front of the tv while watching the trial of a former child star.
Chip appears in my nightmare - coming after me..
He tries to knock the door down several times..
Then when he succeeds he appears all spooky-like..
Growls and shouts..."I JUST WANT TO HANG OUT...NO BIG DEAAAAL!"
His eyes are an eerie glowing yellowish like those of a werewolf or grinch.
I run as fast as I can from him but he keeps chasing me like a savage beast..
And when I think i've lost him... he pounces on me like a tiger does to it's prey..
I wake up from this nightmare with a scream and a cold sweat..

My friends were right...
Chip isn't normal..
He's not like other cable guys at all..
He's insane, he's creepy, he's a down right psycho.
He is really really really sinister..
And his lisp sounds so creepy over the phone..

Whatever shall I do?
Wherever I go, he's always there..
He's always following me and stalking me..
He's like some kind of demon in the night..

Oh Chip, why do you do this to me?
Look, you're a cool guy and all
But I don't think I want you as a friend.
Please don't take it personally...
You just creep me out.
You're insane, you're deranged..
I don't think we can be friends..
So please just leave me alone..
We're not friends anymore..
Leave me be.

And who gave you the right to take over my life?
Who gave you the right to scare my friends?
Who gave you the right to take my girlfriend?
Who gave you the right to stalk me?

I don't understand it.

My friends were right when they warned me about you..
You're not normal, in fact you act like you're possessed.
They say that Chip is not as nice as he seems..
They warned me beware of that creepy cable guy..

And you are that creepy cable guy.

Chip, please leave me alone.


When Chip captures my girlfriend, that's crossing the line.
He takes it her to the radio tower.
When I get there...
I see that he's clearly lost it..
He's at his absolute worst..
He's evil alright.
I try to reason with him..
But he's just downright insane.

I tell him that he went too far and that i want him out of my life..
Chip gets emotional..
He then makes a sacrifice by jumping off the tower..
But he doesn't die..
In fact a helicopter rescues him..
The pilot says that it's okay and calls him his buddy..
He asks.."Am I really your buddy?"
The pilot says.."Sure".
And then Chip gives him a really devious evil look.

Is the terror over?
Not by a long shot.
So next time you want to have cable installed..
Don't call Chip..
If you do you'll regret it..
And you'll never live to see tommorow.
Beware of Chip Douglas.
Beware of the horror which he'll bring to your home.
That is the terror of the Cable Guy..
Beware.
The terror of the cable guy..
Beware of the cable guy..
Beware of Chip.

Be afraid, be very afraid.
Of the terror of the cable guy.
Be afraid, be very afraid.