How to survive scary situations

We present to you the How To Survive A Scary Situation lists:


The original:

• When it seems that you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if it's really dead.
  
  
• If you find that your house is built upon or near a cemetery, was once a church that was used for black masses, had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed necrophilia or satanic practices in your house, move away immediately.
  
  
• Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.
  
  
• Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out.
  
  
• If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they do not know, or if they speak to you using a voice which is other than their own, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. NOTE: It will probably take some time to kill them, so be prepared.
  
  
• When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER pair off or go it alone.
  
  
• As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.
  
  
• Never stand in, on, above, below, beside, or anywhere near a grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum, or other house of the dead.
  
  
• If you're searching for something which caused a noise and find out that it's just the cat, leave the room immediately, if you value your life.
  
  
• If appliances start operating by themselves, move out.
  
  
• Do not take *ANYTHING* from the dead.
  
  
• If you find a town which looks deserted, it's probably for a reason. Take the hint and stay away.
  
  
• Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you are doing.
  
  
• If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. Also note that, although you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.
  
  
• If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination with blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, get away from them as fast as possible.
  
  
• Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (God help you if you recognize this one), the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.
  
  
• If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help.
  
  
• Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chain saws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any device made from deceased companions.
  

Ours:

• If you have access to a teleportation pod, be careful about what goes on in with you. If anything such as a fly, wasp or other member of the insect species goes in there with you the results could be dangerous.
  
• Don't fool around with oujia boards.
  
• Never EVER under any circustances stay at any hotel which bares a resemblance to the Bates Motel from Psycho.
  
• If your best friend or older/younger sibling turns into a vampire/werewolf or whatever monster it is that bit him/her, don't just stand there looking like a scaredy cat. Run as quickly as possible and scream like a maniac.
  
• Avoid the following numbers: 4 (this number is one the chinese consider bad luck), 9 (this was the cursed number John Lennon was ascioated with) 23, 13 (especially if it's connected to the weekday Friday) and 666.
  
• In case of zombie related emergency hide in an abandend shopping mall.
  
• In case of evil dead related zombie emergency call Ashley J.Williams.
  

• In case of vampire related emergencies- call Buffy.

• In case of ghost related emergencies- call the Ghostbusters.

• If the phone rings all by itself and there's no one there- do not answer it. Chances are there is a creepy voice at the other end of that phone that either says "Do you like scary movies?" or "You're gonna die in 7 days!".
  
• Never buy toys from a strange man in a dark alley. Chances are those toys are ALIVE and will probably attempt to kill you just like Chucky from Child's Play.
  
• Never buy a pet from a strange man in a dark alley.
  
• If you do a buy a pet from a strange man in a dark alley. Remember...DON'T expose it to sunlight or it will die, DON'T get it soaking wet because get it wet will cause it to multiply and NEVER EVER feed it after midnight doing this will cause the creature to mutate into a monster.
  
• If you see a suspicious looking stranger with a striped sweater, clawed gloves, a fedora hat and severely burnt skin- back away slowly. Chances are that's Freddy Krueger.
  
• Never ever go camping at a place called Camp Crystal Lake.
  
• If you're an American tourist, never go down the london moors at night.
  
• If there is a tyranosaurus rex on the prowl, don't make any sudden movements.
  
• If your older sibling is a boy and is named Norman, be warned-he may be a future serial killer.
  
• If your creepy cousin is a girl and is named Regan, be warned. She might be possessed.
  
• If your creepy cousin is a boy and is named Damien, be warned. He may be the son of Satan.
  
• If you and a bunch of friends on are being chased by a vicious tyranosaurus rex while you're in a jeep- tell the driver these three important words: "Must go faster!".
  
• Never ever steal anything from a dead person. Especially if it is an item that they treasured the most when they were alive. Chances are they are most likely going to rise from the grave and wreak their ghastly revenge on you unless you give it back.
  
• Never ever wake the dead. Even as a joke.
  
• When things get really really horrible, never say "Well at least it can't get any worse!". Because things WILL get worse.
  
• Never ever visit an abandoned amusement park at night. It's probably abandonend for a reason. Chances are that either some strange virus hacked all the rides or all the machines went berserk and attacked some of the staff.
  
• Never go on fishing expeditions to a lake/ocean that has had reports of shark attacks or swamp monster sightings.
  
• Don't go surfing at a beach which has had reports of shark attacks.
  
• Remember not to fall asleep in case of Freddy Krueger related emergencies. If you do, you're pretty much doomed.

Desperate Housewives Halloween ep

We find the show Desperate Housewives to be extremely boring at times. So we decided to jazz it up a little. We decides to make a halloween episode that pays homage to The Shining, The Exorcist, Nightmare On Elm Street and various other horror films. Also includes a few characters from my Animal House series there too such as Darkness the demon (who gets his name from Darkness from the movie Legend) and Bloodhound the vampire. Please don't laugh or say that we're crazy. We hope to make this into an animation sometime. If we can find the time.

We start with a flashback sequence- a brilliant inventor/handsome boyfriend to one of the babes is working on a potion that will make him irrrestible to women- he tries various ingredients until he finds the right ingredient- a rare spice called Black Jack Essence, he pours it into the potion bottle, drinks it and then slowly becomes insane and demented and Jack Black-like in characteristics and personality, he jumps behind the desk and slowly begins to change into Jack Black and causes random havoc in the streets.

That's the story on how he got cursed into turning into Jack Black at tense moments.

On to the episode

It's a really late night, he and is girlfriend are out on a date- in a complete parody of the transformation in American Werewolf in London- he suddenly transforms into a Jack Black under the light of the full moon in front of his girlfriend and causes random havoc which scares her and she runs away into the woods. She wakes up in the middle of the night to discover it was a just horrible nightmare, she cries.....then her boyfriend comes in and says....."There there, it's all right! It was only a nightmare!" but then he slowly changes into Jack Black again and then says...."Oh no it wasn't!" , she runs into the kitchen and he chases after her like in the shining, he gets out an axe, hacks down the door and goes...."Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeere's Johnny!" one of the other guys shows up- but then rips his face right off like Adam and Barbara in BeetleJuice to reveal a hideously disfigured creature with glowing eyes, horns, vampire teeth, and bat eyes and grey skin. Then David's character BloodHound from my animal house story shows up- turns into a big demonic bat-like thing and kills everyone except the guy who is Jack Black and the monster, after BloodHound kills them- he eats them up and spits out their internal organs. The girl wakes up to discover it's a nightmare again but this time is greeted by her boyfriend who says to her....."I think he's starting to suspect something." , she asks..."Who?" , her boyfriend's face slowly changes into Jack Black's face as he comes out of the shadows and replies in his Jack Black voice...."Your boyfriend!", she runs into the bedroom and sees a 16 year old girl who has been possessed by Darkness from my animal house story, the 16 year old girl's head starts spining 360 degrees, she speaks in a really deep sinister voice and in latin too, and she throws up projectile vomit on the girlfriend. The girlfriend looks in the mirror and screams because she is slowly starting to change into a furry Jack Black monster. Then out of nowhere- BeetleJuice, Spawn, Jack Skellington, The Ghost of John Belushi, a maniac with a chainsaw for an arm, an evil car that crushes people who get in it's way, a satanic possessed beanie baby bear, an undead guy who drinks the souls out of his enemies for a living, a demented sicko with huge metal claws for hands, an evil necromancer who can turn things to slime, Darth Vader, the headless horseman, Lord Farquaad's ghost, and the ghost of a knight who brutally killed himself in an attempt to rescue his princess, a horrrible cross between a bat and a person, a pirahna man, a Tim Burton-esque demon, and some evil werebelushi with glowing eyes and fire breath appear and cause random havoc. She wakes up to discover it was just a nightmare- she screams for the fourth time- her boyfriend comes in and says..."Don't be scared, it was just a dream, everything's gonna be fine." he then slowly changes into Jack Black and says sinisterly in his Jack Black voice...."Or is it?" then laughs manically. David's character BloodHound then writes THE END in blood on the walls, and then a ferocious WereJackBlack leaps out and howls at the moon before scratching a large hole in the ground. David's character then smiles evilly and we see his sharp vampire teeth and evil glowing eyes as we fade to black and then the end credits show up with Meatloaf performing the end song: BAT OUT OF HELL. And that's what happens in this episode.

Horror Hotel

We are going to tell all about Horror Hotel, a hillarious sitcom about a bunch of monsters who work in a hotel, and not just any hotel...a haunted one.

The characters:

• Bonesly (me) and Charlie (my brother)

Bonesly and Charlie are two rather intelligent zombies that are extremely good at inventing despite their rather dead composition (or should I say DEcomposition?)

• Vladimir (Sam Leno/Chinstar)

Vladimir is a rebelious vampire biker who rides a motorcycle similar to the one Ghost Rider has. Vladimir is always getting into trouble and is always trying to sink his fangs into the neck of an innocent young girl.

• Sheryl (Andria)

Sheryl is a rather "interesting" witch, Sheryl is an alcholic too and loves to make potions and all sorts of spooky recipes, she often includes alchol as one of the ingredients for her various recipes. She is quite good at magic even though sometimes her magic does get out of hand, especially when she's drunk.

• Bastian (Alan)

Bastian is a rather eccentric warlock who can turn into a black cat, he is also quite similar to Dale from King Of The Hill in appearance and personality. He and Sheryl are often seen together.

• Tyler (Joshua Louis Belushi/WereJoshPeckPrince)

Tyler is a teenwolf style werewolf with a knack for practical jokes. He's partly the reason why the guests are always getting scared out of the hotel.

• Ted

Ted is a Freddy Krueger-like character with a twisted sense of humour. Fred is fond of using one-liners on a regular basis. He always manages to make the guest's stay at the hotel a living nightmare (literally). This is the reason why guests never get a good night's sleep when they stay the night.

• Billy

Billy is a Jason Voorhees-like character who wears a hockey mask and carries a knife. He is the quiet one most of the time but he does speak on some occassions. Billy has rarely been seen without his hockey mask on. He is also quite shy.

• Mitch

Mitch is a Michael Myers-like character who wears a white mask. He is very mysterious and he loves to scare people. Mitch has never been seen without his mask on. Mitch is a lone wolf type who keeps to himself.

• Mark

A Norman Bates-like character and the creepiest one of the bunch. Mark spends most of his time polishing his knives and taking orders from his mother. Mark loves to scare people when they're in the shower (especially if it's a girl) and is also partly the reason why everyone never seems to come back to the hotel.

• Luka

Luka is a Werebelushi who is like a mafia boss, he is the official "boss" of the monsters. He always gets what he wants. You don't want to get on this guy's bad side.

• Jeff

Jeff is a human/fly hybrid like Jeff Goldblum in The Fly. He is exactly like Seth Brundle in terms of personality and appearance. He is a lot more cooler looking than Brundlefly though. He has wings, glowing red eyes, antennae, 4 arms, and two small vampire-ish fangs. He is incredibly strong and agile for someone of his size and build.

• Ben the Scare Bear

Ben is a teddy bear with a personality similar to Chucky from Child's Play. You may think that he's cute at first but you'll change your mind after you find out what he does to innocent guests who cross his path.

• Rocky

A Frankensteinesque golem who bears a resemblance to Rocky Balboa. He is a tough cookie and would never turn down a challenge.

• Graham (Captain Comedy)

Graham is an antromorphic grinch who bears a resemblance to Robbie Rotten from the Nick Jr children's show Lazytown. The design for this character is based on Jim Carrey's version of the grinch. He is quite similar to Edmund Blackadder in terms of personality.

• Mongo

Mongo is the gentle giant of the group, he is a King Kong-like creature with a heart of gold. Mongo may seem big and scary at first but he's quite nice when you get to know him. He speaks in a similar manner to the Incredible Hulk.

• Bobby

Bobby is a blob-like alien with the power to shapeshift into anyone and anything. He is a bit of a klutz but he means well. He is also very laid back.

• James and Ella

James and Ella are a mischevious brother and sister team who are also wererats. They're ALWAYS causing trouble.

• Vincent

A rather charismatic Vincent Price-like character who resembles Johnny Depp. He can scare people by turning into a Tim Burtonesque demon. He spends his term reading poetry by Edgar Allen Poe.

• Hugo

A rather skittish hunchback who resembles Peter Lorre and sounds like him too. He is in charge of room service. He is the second creepiest one of the group.

• Ace

A rather deranged character who is a lot like Alice Cooper. Ace has various supernatural powers including mind reading.

• Mr S. Creepington

The hotel manager. He is a rather surly demon. His job is to make sure that the guest's have a good time-however there is one problem and that problem is that Luka and his monstrous bunch are always screwing up and scaring away all the guests. He gets mad at them everytime this happens and he has a rather firey temper.

• Terry

Mr S. Creepington's bumbling assistant. Terry is a bat-like gargoyle who is always made fun of by James and Ella. His job is to keep an eye on Luka and the rest of the monsters that work in the hotel. He's also the resident snitch and is usually sent to try and rat out Luka and his monstrous bunch.

• Cleo (Kirsty)

An extremely beautiful and elegant Egpytian mummy queen. She is not afraid to speak her mind. She is also extremely rich.

• Bruce

The hotel's official health inspector. He bears a resemblance to Bruce Campbell's famous character Ash from the Evil Dead movies. His mannerisms, voice, hair style and costume are based on those of Gaston the villain from Disney's Beauty And The Beast. Much like Ash, he has a chainsaw where his left hand should be.

• Damien

Mr S.Creepington's nephew. He is based on Damien from the Omen. Damien posesss various demonic supernatural powers. He may seem like a cute kid but in actuality he's a babysitters' worst nightmare. He is also quite similar to the kid with the psychic powers from the Twilight Zone episode "It's A Good Life".

• Christie (Tazmin)

Damien's sister. She is based on Regan from The Exorcist. She is possessed by a demon. She may seem like an innocent girl at first but don't be fooled....she is quite the little demon.

• Jack

Jack is the hotel caretaker/janitor, he is based on Jack Torrance from The Shining. Much like Jack Torrance in the film, he is also prone to being driven insane. One thing he really hates about his job is that he gets bored easily and this drives him to the point of insanity. A running gag is that whenever he gets bored he goes insane.

• Frederick Jekyll/Henry Hyde (Tyrone The Terrible)

A scientist who changes into a big yeti-like monster at random. He is incredibly smart even as a monster. A running gag is that he's always changing into his monster form at random.

Greatest Werewolf film ever

There have been many great werewolf films. But the best one has to be American Werewolf In London. There are many things we love about this great werewolf flick from the 80's such as the man memorable lines ("Have you tried talking to a corpse? It's boring!", "I can assure you that this is not the least bit amusing.") the lovely London scenary, the perfect blend of horror and comedy, and the great makeup effects of mr Rick Baker. The things we love the most about it are the famous transformation scene and the makeup effects. We love the scene where Griffin Dune's character (who was killed) comes back from the dead to warn his friend (David Naughton) of the horrible things that are going to happen- we especially love how he gets more and more dead-like throughout the movie- although they replaced him with a skeletal puppet for the porno theatre scene.

Our favourite "Not-Quite-Dead" look of Griffin Dune's character is this one here: Now a lot of people tend to focus the red, dangly bit of flesh hanging from his neck rather than his performance- but me and my brother are an exception. We focused on his performance and what was going on rather then the red piece of flesh hanging from his neck.

American Werewolf In London is famous for it's transformation scene- which was done by the brilliant makeup artist Rick Baker (he's one of our heroes) who is one of the greatest makeup artists ever. American Werewolf In London's transformation scene was like no other, it was an excruciatingly painful process. AmericanWerewolf In London is one of our favourite horror films, our other favourite werewolf horror movies are the Howling series, we also like Teen Wolf.

My brother has this friend who works in the makeup buisness- he knows all about how makeup and other effects for some movies were done- he has plenty of makeup secrets to share too. He once told us the secret of how they did the Chestbuster scene from Alien. John Landis directed American Werewolf In London- but before that he directed Blues Brothers and Animal House. We've done quite a few homages to American Werewolf In London in our many tv shows, movies and animated series. For example- the story of how my character in Animal House Chronicles first became a werebelushi is exactly like what happened in the movie and his first transformation into one is a direct satire of the famous wolf transformation scene from that film. We also have a zombie student in our Animal House thing who is a lot similar to Griffin Dune's character from the film. Our horror comedy National Lampoon's Curse Of The Werebelushi pays homage to this film and Animal House at the same time. We'll be paying another homage to American Werewolf In London in one of our latest works, one titled An American Gastonian in Florida. In it my character is a Gaston fan who gets chosen to play the part of Gaston in a stage version of Beauty And The Beast, unfortunately he gets a little too into the part and ends up slowly turning into the character in a homage to the famous transformation scene from American Werewolf In London. It's one of the first movies we've done that features me turning into a cartoon character. The transformation scene is going to be a direct satire of David Naughton's werewolf transformation from the movie.

American Werewolf In London is and always will be the greatest werewolf film ever made in our eyes. It's one of our all time favourite movies with transformation scenes in them, we also love the work of Canadian director David Cronenberg (especially The Fly, Scanners, Videodrome, The Brood, Crash, Dead Zone and ExistenZ).