How to survive scary situations

We present to you the How To Survive A Scary Situation lists:


The original:

• When it seems that you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if it's really dead.
  
  
• If you find that your house is built upon or near a cemetery, was once a church that was used for black masses, had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed necrophilia or satanic practices in your house, move away immediately.
  
  
• Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.
  
  
• Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out.
  
  
• If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they do not know, or if they speak to you using a voice which is other than their own, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. NOTE: It will probably take some time to kill them, so be prepared.
  
  
• When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER pair off or go it alone.
  
  
• As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.
  
  
• Never stand in, on, above, below, beside, or anywhere near a grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum, or other house of the dead.
  
  
• If you're searching for something which caused a noise and find out that it's just the cat, leave the room immediately, if you value your life.
  
  
• If appliances start operating by themselves, move out.
  
  
• Do not take *ANYTHING* from the dead.
  
  
• If you find a town which looks deserted, it's probably for a reason. Take the hint and stay away.
  
  
• Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you are doing.
  
  
• If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. Also note that, although you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.
  
  
• If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination with blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, get away from them as fast as possible.
  
  
• Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (God help you if you recognize this one), the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.
  
  
• If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help.
  
  
• Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chain saws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any device made from deceased companions.
  

Ours:

• If you have access to a teleportation pod, be careful about what goes on in with you. If anything such as a fly, wasp or other member of the insect species goes in there with you the results could be dangerous.
  
• Don't fool around with oujia boards.
  
• Never EVER under any circustances stay at any hotel which bares a resemblance to the Bates Motel from Psycho.
  
• If your best friend or older/younger sibling turns into a vampire/werewolf or whatever monster it is that bit him/her, don't just stand there looking like a scaredy cat. Run as quickly as possible and scream like a maniac.
  
• Avoid the following numbers: 4 (this number is one the chinese consider bad luck), 9 (this was the cursed number John Lennon was ascioated with) 23, 13 (especially if it's connected to the weekday Friday) and 666.
  
• In case of zombie related emergency hide in an abandend shopping mall.
  
• In case of evil dead related zombie emergency call Ashley J.Williams.
  

• In case of vampire related emergencies- call Buffy.

• In case of ghost related emergencies- call the Ghostbusters.

• If the phone rings all by itself and there's no one there- do not answer it. Chances are there is a creepy voice at the other end of that phone that either says "Do you like scary movies?" or "You're gonna die in 7 days!".
  
• Never buy toys from a strange man in a dark alley. Chances are those toys are ALIVE and will probably attempt to kill you just like Chucky from Child's Play.
  
• Never buy a pet from a strange man in a dark alley.
  
• If you do a buy a pet from a strange man in a dark alley. Remember...DON'T expose it to sunlight or it will die, DON'T get it soaking wet because get it wet will cause it to multiply and NEVER EVER feed it after midnight doing this will cause the creature to mutate into a monster.
  
• If you see a suspicious looking stranger with a striped sweater, clawed gloves, a fedora hat and severely burnt skin- back away slowly. Chances are that's Freddy Krueger.
  
• Never ever go camping at a place called Camp Crystal Lake.
  
• If you're an American tourist, never go down the london moors at night.
  
• If there is a tyranosaurus rex on the prowl, don't make any sudden movements.
  
• If your older sibling is a boy and is named Norman, be warned-he may be a future serial killer.
  
• If your creepy cousin is a girl and is named Regan, be warned. She might be possessed.
  
• If your creepy cousin is a boy and is named Damien, be warned. He may be the son of Satan.
  
• If you and a bunch of friends on are being chased by a vicious tyranosaurus rex while you're in a jeep- tell the driver these three important words: "Must go faster!".
  
• Never ever steal anything from a dead person. Especially if it is an item that they treasured the most when they were alive. Chances are they are most likely going to rise from the grave and wreak their ghastly revenge on you unless you give it back.
  
• Never ever wake the dead. Even as a joke.
  
• When things get really really horrible, never say "Well at least it can't get any worse!". Because things WILL get worse.
  
• Never ever visit an abandoned amusement park at night. It's probably abandonend for a reason. Chances are that either some strange virus hacked all the rides or all the machines went berserk and attacked some of the staff.
  
• Never go on fishing expeditions to a lake/ocean that has had reports of shark attacks or swamp monster sightings.
  
• Don't go surfing at a beach which has had reports of shark attacks.
  
• Remember not to fall asleep in case of Freddy Krueger related emergencies. If you do, you're pretty much doomed.

Our favourite Bruce Campbell one liners

As we mentioned before we really like Bruce Campbell. We especially like him in Bubba HoTep, Army Of Darkness and the Evil Dead movies.

Here are our favourite lines of his:

• "Hail to the king baby"
• "Groovy"
• "I'LL SHALLOW YOUR SOUL!".
• "Good, bad, i'm the guy with the gun."
• "See this? This is my BOOMSTICK!"
• "Alright you primitive screwheads listen up!"
• 'I've got news for you, pal. You ain't leaving but two things right now, Jack and s***t and Jack left town".
• "Come Get Some"
• "Give me some sugar baby"
• Yo, sheb***h, let's go"
• "Honey, you got real ugly"

Bruce Campbell is one of our favourite actors. He's awesome. Ash is probably the coolest movie hero ever. In lots of ways Ash is kind of like Gaston.

Bruce Campbell: Slayer of the undead

Our friend Sam Leno is known for his famous lantern jaw of justice just like his uncle Jay, this is why his superhero name is Chinstar. But he and Jay Leno aren't the only ones with a lantern jaw of justice. There are 3 different Disney characters that have a chin like Jay Leno's and they are: Gaston, Kronk, and Buzz Lightyear. Kronk is voiced by Patrick Warburton also known as Puddy on Seinfeld, Gaston is voiced by Richard White who played the phantom of the opera on stage, and Buzz is voiced by Tim Allen (from the sitcom Home Improvement) in the Toy Story movies and in Buzz Lightyear Of Star Command: The Adventure Begins but is voiced by Patrick Warburton in the cartoon series. One actor who is most famous for his lantern jaw of justice is Bruce Campbell- fans know him best as Ash Williams from Evil Dead and Army Of Darkness- the zombie slayer with a chainsaw for a hand. Bruce Campbell's nickname happens to be "The chin" because of his famous Jay Leno-like lantern jaw. Our friend Chinstar happens to be a big fan and close friend of his. Because he's known for playing Ash in the Evil Dead films a lot of fans always refer to him as his character's name and not his real name. He has a new movie out called My Name Is Bruce in which he plays himself.

Here's Bruce as Elvis in Bubba Hotep. It's one of our favourite movies.

And here is his most famous character- Ash, the zombie slayer with a chainsaw for a hand. Bruce doesn't usually like being refered to as Ash but there was one occassion that was a big exception. You see, someone had gotten their hands on a recalled Raise-The-Dead Kit and was planning on using to ressurect their deceased pet, when he tried to do it he awoke several dead people from their graves and caused a Zombie Apocolypse, it was like Return Of The Living Dead out there- but lucky for us we have Bruce Campbell's number on speed dial so we called him to help us fight off the zombies. And boy, he kicked some serious undead butt! We hope that no one else wants to ressurect a dead family member, celebrity, or pet- we would hate to have another Return Of The Living Dead situation. It's a good thing we have Bruce Campbell's number on speed dial in case of a zombie related emergency.

My brother went as Ash for halloween once, I helped him with the chainsaw hand thing.

Bruce Campbell is awesome. Plus, he looks like Gaston from Beauty And The Beast.

He is an awesome Elvis too.

In our stop motion version of the Eye Of Horus, the leader of the pharoah's army is made to resemble Ash from the Evil Dead movies. The original play had sand people as the enemy army but in our version we replaced them with undead mummies.